When my Heart Runs Dry – Matt Redman

When my heart runs dry
And there's no song to sing
No holy melody
No words of love within
I recall the height from which
The fragile heart has slipped

And I'll remember you
I will turn back and do
The things I used to do
For the love of You
Lord, I'll remember you
I will turn back and do
The things I used to do
For the love of You

You are my soul's desire
You are the hope within
You bring my heart to life
You make my spirit sing

It was funny but very on-the-dot of how I was feeling when Joshua shared about what he was going through, “I am not concerned with that God is doing at the moment. But then, it’s like when we want to walk left also cannot. Want to walk right also cannot. When we finally take a step, we fall into a longkang” *giggle* Just before he broke into this song, my mind was all over the place during worship. Taking in deep breaths to settle my thoughts I began to pray, “Lord, I really need your help for me to focus on you this morning”. However, at the back of my mind, I really began to doubt, ‘Would you really turn up? Even if you DID turn up, what sort of a rebuke would I receive? Would you really fill this empty well once again with your living water?’

Then, “Bham! Bham! Bham!” Everything that happened thereafter just broke everything in me. Is He really worthy to be worshipped in the midst of my circumstance? Tsk tsk… am I worthy to worship Him BECAUSE of my circumstance? Joo Na was reading some scripture *err… I need to find out from where she took it from* and I was thinking, ‘Urgh! I think if there’s an altar call, I will need to respond…’

Then Paulina spoke, “Blessed are those who are not offended with Him. When He falls short of your expectations.” Yes, I was angry. Angry at Him for many things that could change with the snap of His fingers, yet He does not do. Am angry that regardless of how hard I try to do what is right, the results are falling short of my expectation. Is this ungratefulness? *shrug* Am faithfully doing all that he has called me to do, yet I’m just going through the motions of not quitting but at the same time cannot see where I’m going. Is this called strife? *shrug* Am toying with thoughts of quitting, yet at the same time can’t as I’ve tasted His goodness before. I feel trapped… Is this called ‘being short of His grace’? *shrug*

There was no way I could respond to altar call while being bombarded with so many negative thoughts and feelings *groan*. All that could be done was to fall down on my knees in shame. Aih… and I thought THAT was going to be it throughout the service *tsk… tsk…*. Then, Raj laid his prophetic hands on me… aih… and I thought, “Okay.. okay… the rebuke’s coming. It’s definitely coming… here it comes… ” Sigh… but all that he spoke penetrated deeply, truths that I knew but was either hidden or forgotten in midst of all my confusion. His love and purposes for me has not changed regardless of my circumstance, and that He was doing a new thing with me. A new thing? Hmmm… a new level of brokenness and humility, perhaps? With my Worship? With the Orang Asli outreach? A new thing...

Sharon closed the whole chapter by empowering us with the anointing of the Holy Spirit. Which drew me back to the song that we were singing, “I recall the height from which… This fragile heart has slipped… And I’ll remember you… I will turn and do the things I used to do… For the love of You…”

Lord, there MUST be more than this. Perfect the work that you have started within me. I’m so sorry for being ungrateful and proud to think I can live my life without you. Lift me up and help me to focus on you. Whenever I feel that you’re about to rebuke me, all I ever receive is goodness, love, grace and kindness. You are so wonderful… so beautiful… so full of grace… so beyond any words that I could ever make out. Amen.